Through the Fire: A lesson on trauma management.
TLDR: When Trauma hits, your number 1 priority is to get to safety, then you can fall apart. �
This January I had the pleasure of turning 30. My 20’s were filled with theories and adaptations, so I was eager to get on with the business of applying everything I learned and live my best life. I told life I was ready to be an adult.
The prior year was rough.
After multiple existential crises, being on the verge of divorce several times, and struggling to care for a rapidly deteriorating mother, I decided to do something about my life.
I managed to hold it together long enough to dive head first into my trauma and do the difficult work of working on myself. It gave me the courage to become a better wife and mother, a better daughter and sister, and take on the responsibility of applying for a management position at my job- something I was avoiding. The worst was over now that I was 30; I was gonna sail smoothly into the summer of my life and straight kill it.
Except in February, life said “hold my beer.”
On February 5th, 2019, I got up and went about my usual Tuesday routine with my family. Me, my husband and children went grocery shopping at our Korean supermarket. The night before we decided we were going to switch to a more Asian inspired diet, so we spent that morning browsing all of the yummy produce and getting excited for all the things we were going to make. My mother was home as usual; her disability made walking for long periods torture for her, so it would be more comfortable to remain home. The irony of this thought will never be lost on me.
I was 25 mins away from my home, singing Cardi B’s “Money” with my family (the edited version of course) when I got a call from a 703 number that felt like a bad joke.
“Hello, are you Jael Bakari?” the voice on the other end asked.
“Speaking.”
“Your house is on fire.”
You know you see people on the news or on Go-fund-me’s all the time talking about being fire victims and you think man that must have been rough for them. You never imagine that it would happen to you though. Until it does and all you can do is notice how bright the sky is and how even though it was the middle of February it was really gorgeous outside.
My mother burned in that fire but my documents (birth certs, ss cards etc.) survived untouched. Pure, cruel irony.
I now had the bittersweet fortune of finding a new home (I was employed in a remote environment so having a home was a must), replacing the things lost, inheriting a teenage brother, making sure my kids and husband were ok mentally and burying my mother.
All inside of a 10 day window. No pressure right?
Plus, I literally just submitted my application for that management position and was supposed to interview for it that same week.
Life should’ve said “Hold my tequila,” because honey, I was no longer on planet earth.
The level of numbness I experienced inside of those 10 days is unreal. I found myself consoling family members, explaining why I opted to cremate as opposed to bury my mother (seriously this was a thing), recounting the details of this event for just about everyone of my mom’s friends and of course my personal favorite, fending off the question
“Why did you leave her at home by herself?”
Fortunately for us the kid’s school community, my social media network, my job, our family and friends came through above and beyond. We received so many donations of clothes, toys, gift cards and money that we were able to rebuild quickly. My mom’s friend got a rental for us less than 1 mile away from where we were living before and my job held the position for me so I could interview once I got settled. Even the insurance company took care of us. The whole thing was unreal.
Damn Jael…I wanna ask what’s the point but damn… how’d you survive?
It’s ok to ask… all my stories have a moral as any good story should have.
The funny thing is a few days before all this happened, I read this article about how people with anxiety tend to be really good in times of crisis. I suffer from anxiety, so in that moment my crippling weakness ended up being my superpower.
I had to compartmentalize the hell out of everything I was feeling to focus on the most important things first.
And that is the point of me sharing my story.
We are all guaranteed to have our fair share of shitty experiences in life. But the goal is not to dwell in the shittiness, but to find a way to see past it to your next steps. This is always the most difficult thing as the immediate temptation is to fall apart at the seams.
But much like making it safely to the side of the road when your tire blows on the highway, your job during crisis is to immediately get to safety.
If you need help getting there ask.
But as Confucius put it, the superior person focuses on the most important things and lets everything else fall away in that moment.
Once you’re safe, then you can fall apart. I know I sure as hell did.
Till next time loves.
