To Suffer is to be Human

The fear of suffering and struggle keeps people from truly living.

Disclaimer: Before I begin, I am aware people have a tendency to jump to conclusions based on titles. If you’ve read any of my articles or watched any of my videos you’ll know damn well that I do not believe in the kind of suffering that comes as a result of systemic injustice. This is about understanding a fundamental feature of being human in order to grow, NOT justifying asinine and inhumane practices.

Now with that out the way.

I had the pleasure of reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck by Mark Manson, and my time with Disappointment Panda was exactly what I needed but incredibly painful.

For you see I, with all my talk of risk taking and opportunity realizing was afraid of suffering.

I grew up a privileged Black kid, and the thing about privileged Black kids- or anyone of privilege for that matter- is our parents worked damn hard to make sure we had privilege they didn’t and often felt they had to make our lives pain free in some way so we wouldn’t become tainted by the bullshit in the world.

Can’t fight systemic prison to school pipeline? Keep your kid from hanging around what you knew society would deem as “bad influences”.

Want to ensure they get recognized for their specialness? Put them in every conceivable activity to give them an advantage until they become so intelligent they’re emotionally stunted as a human being.

Fortunately for me, after years of private school, kumon, and being told where’s the other 4 points when I brought home a 96, my mother discovered entrepreneurism and went from pushing me to get into Harvard and Yale to pushing me to be my own boss so I wouldn’t have to suffer through being in the workforce.

I was in real estate seminars, reading books like Think and Grow Rich and all of the usual “get rich in America” starter pack books that have like 4 kernels of truth in the whole bullshit sundae of “if you believe hard enough you will be rich and happy and life will be perfect because you’re perfect”.

And I a child of privilege took these lessons and did what any other human who had been taught happiness was just in reach if i made enough money.

I chased money.

I chased it with the attitude of a kid who’d always had their head in books, rarely made contact with humans outside of my mother, brother and other family members and the few friends I managed to keep, and who gre up privileged as fuck.

In other words I was toxic as fuck.

As a result I remained overweight (not bodyshaming), unhealthy (not ableism), and fucking miserable.

And I sounded like Donald Trump out in these streets blaming things I didn’t understand for my failings as a person. Rather than placing the blame where it belonged.

Then I had children, by some miracle managed to end up married and here I am at 31, extremely humbled by life handing my privileged ass to me over and over again. Now I’m very, very aware of said privilege and find myself faced with difficult choices as I contemplate what I want my life to look like.

I did alot of the hard stuff to start. I quit my job, used money I inherited to invest in myself and begin the process of becoming successful.

Only I looked at the path and how much real hard work had to be done and I legit said “I don’t want to struggle.”

Looks like I hadn’t really learned my lesson yet. Until I read that damn book and it began echoing unconscious aphorisms I was prone to repeating.

Like my husband’s saying of

You either going to be rich holding a sign saying the world is ending or broke and holding a sign saying the world is ending. Either way you still holding the sign.

or my own conclusion of

If I can suffer through being organized for a 9 to 5 then I can do it for myself.

or the one I’d have on repeat since I was 23

Success is the continued realization of a worthy ideal- Earl Nightingale

And through reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, I came face to face with the real enemy to my success. Myself and my fear of struggle.

I clearly bought into the idea that if i worked hard enough one day I won’t have to work hard anymore. And that’s just not fucking true.

When you climb that mountain, there’s always another fucking mountain to face. It’s what I like to call the Mandelbrot Theory of Evolution. The Buddhist call it Samsara. Our work is never done. We must keep doing it ad nauseum until the day we day.

That sucks to find out as someone who’s goal at 16 was to retire by 30.

But it was necessary. If I want to be all the things I say I want to be, that means I had to suffer through doing things I didn’t want to do. Every day. For the rest of my life. Oh and if I didn’t then I’d have to suffer through beating myself up for not doing them and living a life I didn’t want.

Which brings me back to the point of this article- which I should’ve known and accepted because I fucking study storytelling and these are the rules of story:

To suffer is to be human because discontent is the impetus to change.

And if you want to get funky with it, suffering is natural. Just ask a jumpy ass squirrel if the anxiety they face crossing roads for food ain’t suffering.

Note: don’t literally ask a squirrel, unless you’re on peyote they aren’t very talkative.

And it should be. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it is literally the law of nature. Adaptations and evolution must prove that they are viable before being adopted which means…they have to suffer through the task of proving themselves viable.

This fear of suffering is what corrupt governments and institutions rely on. They know none of us really want to do the work of facing a dragon so they make themselves as big, powerful and all encompassing as possible to the point where it’s so painful to overthrow them we’d rather just suffer through progressively worse bullshit. Because the monster we know is less scary than the monster we don’t know.

And this is why 2020 had to happen. We’ve gotten too comfortable with the suffering we know and won’t do the work of suffering through a worthy cause.

I know because I’ve been doing it in my own life.

I almost lost my marriage because I didn’t want to suffer through learning how to be in a relationship. Almost ruined my kids by not being willing to discipline them. Almost lost my health cause I didn’t want to suffer through exercise and cravings for sweets. Almost ruined my own destiny because I didn’t want to suffer through writing everyday, even though I fucking love writing.

And after all these damn close calls enough is enough.

Look I got no chance against this corrupt ass government if I can’t suffer through the hard work of changing my own life. I need to build courage and stamina to tackle these mountains and it starts by being willing to do the one thing I’ve been trying very unsuccessfully to do for years.

I gotta pick a struggle and suffer through it.

Y’all pray for me.